Your Week Ahead with Myers-Briggs by Lauren Ipse

Just like horoscopes, Myers-Briggs types are both utterly unscientific and strangely popular. If you have added yours to your dating profile, FaceBook page or Twitter profile, then noted mystic and village wisewoman Lauren Ipse peers into the mists of time and reveals what fate has in store for you.

ESFP – Performer

Netflix has been profiling you for three years, and correctly suggests that you might enjoy watching Son of The Mask, Horne and Corden’s sketch show and Good Luck Chuck.

INFP- Healer

Next week, a hurricane will coincidentally receive your first name. It will then be responsible for a number of extravagantly horrific accidents, including blowing a shipment of kittens into the spinning blades of a wind farm and knocking over David Attenborough. No one you know can resist commenting on this, with an edge to their voice that starts to sound like blame.

ENFJ – The Teacher

Your attempts to make the primary school nativity play “more relevant” end up sweatily embarrassing for everyone. The shepherds bring the Baby Jesus an X-box (a callback to the early Noughties, before the cast were even born), the Innkeeper makes a series of jokes about the tax implications of Air BnB and the Angel Gabriel is dressed as an alien and affecting a Jamaican accent for reasons you can no longer remember.

ENTP – Inventor

This week you will start a brand-new lifestyle movement. You call it hygges-boson, and it involves discussing space travel with your best friend, both wrapped in sleeping bags and eating hot chocolate powder out of the packet with a damp finger. You have misunderstood both concepts.

INFJ – Counsellor

Every time you log on to facebook you are greeted with a different photo from nine years ago, and your narcissism leads you to gradually develop a crush on your younger self.

ENFP – Champion

Your parents ask you to finally remove the last of your belongings from their attic. Expecting a rush of nostalgia, instead you find a collection of objects which have no connection whatsoever with yourself or your memories. When your mother returns, she finds you dancing around a bonfire of your old possessions, wild with joy and finally free to make up your childhood in whatever way suits you best.

INTJ – Mastermind

The Universe is looking out for you this week when you draw your nemesis in the office Secret Santa. You display your naked contempt for them with a “Brownie Mix Kit” — an Kilner jar filled with flour, cocoa and mini marshmallows. No one in their right minds would ever want this and don’t you both know it.

ENTJ – Field Marshall

Whimsical adventures are in store, when you accidentally purchase a kettle which is possessed by self-styled ‘wickedest man in the world’ and devil-worshiper Aleistair Crowley. Fortunately his plans to open a portal to the netherworld are thwarted, as he is unable to move, speak, perform ‘magick’ or override his ‘on’ switch, forcing him to silently heat water to boiling point whenever you desire. Come to think of it, your adventures aren’t that whimsical.

INTP – Architect

Romance takes a backseat this week, as you focus all your attention on the Krennic’s Imperial Shuttle playset from Lego.

ISFP – Composer

Your hard-won teenage skills become confused when you find yourself stealing from your flatmate’s open can of baked beans in the fridge, then topping it up with vodka in the hope they won’t notice.

ISFJ – Protector

You do an online quiz that informs you your spirit animal is an angry weasel.

ESFJ – Provider

It has not escaped your attention that all your friends are happier, more successful and healthier than you. You decide to stop worrying about a pension and parasitise them in your old age.

ISTP – Operator

Fate throws you into the path of your one true soulmate. Unfortunately the bus is very crowded, and you never even make eye contact with each other, let alone get each other’s whatsapp details.

ESTP – Promoter

Remember that opinions are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one, and it’s not a good idea to air them in front of children.

ISTJ – Inspector

Apparently, Christmas jumpers are now a thing, and you spot the perfect one in the window of a charity show. It has snowman-shaped pompoms on a lurid green and white snowflake pattern, and you goad yourself into internal hysterics, imagining how hilarious your colleagues will find it. When you get it home, the label says dry-clean only, which is unfortunate as once it warms up, it smells persistently and ineradicably of urine, a situation which is as logistically puzzling as it is expensive to fix.

ESTJ – Supervisor

In your open-plan office there is a co-worker who sits facing you in the five-to-twelve location, two rows behind your screen. This means that during the forty percent of your day that you spend looking blankly into space, you are in fact staring directly at them with the slack, hopeless gaze of an orangutan in a traveling circus. In the New Year, they will finally snap and hand in their notice.

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