ESFP – The Performer
Stop worrying that everyone remembers that you joke you told at Sam’s birthday brunch, which was followed by ten seconds of awkward silence. All your friends are ever thinking about is the much, much worse thing you did ten years ago, a memory so psyche-shatteringly humiliating that you have successfully repressed it, and now have no idea it happened at all. But they all know. Oh yes they do.
ENFJ – The Teacher
This week, you will receive a letter from the school nurse – turns out it was you who was responsible for the headlice outbreak in the Sixth form. You should stop trying to hang out with them, BTW, and not just because they’re all calling you ‘The Throwback’.
ENTP – The Inventor
You visit a psychic, who tells you that you had the answers inside yourself all along. Try not to feel too sad about all the time that means you’ve wasted.
INFJ – The Counsellor
You will fantasize repeatedly about telling your friend Ally that no, starting her own bespoke cake company will not deal with her nagging feeling that ‘there must be more to life’. She (and you) already enjoy such a disproportionate amount of the world’s resources, protection and leisure that insisting on spiritual bliss as well makes both of you basically Veruca Salt.
ENFP – The Champion
Good news for you this week, when your relentless demands for sponsorship finally succeed in wearing down your colleagues to the point where they fund your trip to California to propose to the blonde one out of High School Musical.
INFP- The Healer
Most people should be discouraged from listing their Uber rating on their CV under ‘personal achievements’. But in your case, go for it.
INTJ – The Mastermind
This week, the internet in your building will go out, suddenly and inexplicably. You move from annoyance, to panic, to overwhelming personal liberation, and begin piling your possessions to burn, preparatory to a life in the wilderness, free from society’s restrictions. The blue light on your router comes back on, and you sit down, shaky with shame, relief and pathetic, pathetic gratitude. You will never again question the rule of your robot overlords.
ENTJ – The Field Marshall
The reason people do whatever you tell them, regardless of how ridiculous, is not because they respect you, or even fear you. It’s because everyone you know has a bet going that eventually you’ll start thinking you have Jedi powers, and will turn up to work in a bathrobe.
INTP – The Architect
This week, you’ll decide that decorating old furniture with Garbage Pail Kids stickers, bought on eBay at great personal expense, will be considered charmingly witty and have great commercial potential. You will be wrong.
ISFP – The Composer
Standing in the frozen food aisle of your local budget supermarket, you realise that the history of life on this planet is simply the transfer of energy from one organism to another, and although you suddenly truly comprehend the fact of your own mortality, the idea fills you with a euphoric sense of connection. The feeling passes, never to return, and you buy yourself a Kinder egg to celebrate.
ISFJ – The Protector
Ask a trusted friend to check your back. There’s a strong chance it’s been gradually getting hairier and you have no way of noticing.
ESFJ – The Provider
You finally work out that insisting that everyone watches all your favourite YouTube clips right now is the reason you never get invited to parties. You try to stop, but fail.
ISTP – The Operator
Your self-esteem gets a boost when you discover an unexpected flair for home-tattooing. On an unrelated note, the word “angle” does not refer to a celestial being.
ESTP – The Promoter
This week, a cat starts coming into your garden. You spend five days constantly videoing it with your phone, hoping it will do something adorable, quirky or violent which you could then post to social media. Instead, you end up with lots of footage of it staring at you as it buries its faeces.
ISTJ – The Inspector
You attend a professional development seminar and find out that you are ideally suited to a career as a mudlark, quack doctor’s rube or anchorite.
ESTJ – The Supervisor
Don’t worry that all your friends all have greater potential and seem set to lead a more exciting life than you. We may start out as Ravenclaw, Slytherin or Gryffindor, but we’re all in Hufflepuff by the end. You’re just the welcoming committee.